Just want to be happy

Many people are interested in becoming happier, chasing happiness is really common these days, because at some point in life — probably when we’re just old enough to understand the concept of goals and achieving them — we’re taught that happiness is something to strive for. And achieving happiness became the main goal, but most of us don’t realize why being happy isn’t enough for us to be satisfied with life. Happiness isn’t necessarily bad for us, but I did find out recently that happiness alone isn’t enough for us to feel fulfilled.

Happiness vs Pleasure

First of all, let’s look at the state of things as they are. We tend to pursue happiness as if it’s something attainable, something we should be aiming to achieve. Do you, like many people, have a mental list of things you think you need in order to be truly happy? There are many externals our society teaches us to chase: success, wealth, fame, power, good looks, romantic love. But are they really the keys to happiness? Many people believe that happiness is having fun at a party, the excitement of new experiences, the thrill and passion of sex, or the delights of a fine meal. These are all wonderful experiences to be cherished and cultivated but they are not happiness. These experiences are the definition of pleasure. Pleasure is fleeting and must be if it is to continue to please us because if we have these joyful experiences all the time, our brains adapt and turn pleasure into routine. Once that happens, it takes even more to make us feel good again. Chasing pleasure is not happiness. So, if happiness is not the same thing as pleasure, then what is happiness?

Possibly the best place to start defining happiness is by defining what it is not. There are a lot of myths out there about what will make you happy

Myth: Money will make you happy.

Fact: It’s stressful when you’re worried about money. In order to be happy, you do need enough of it to cover your basic needs: things like food, shelter, and clothing. But once you have enough money to be comfortable, getting more money isn’t going to make much of a difference in how happy you are. For example, studies of lottery winners show that after a relatively short period of time, they are no happier than they were before their win.

Myth: You need a relationship in order to be happy.

Fact: Being in a healthy, supportive love relationship does contribute to happiness, but it’s not true that you can’t be happy and fulfilled if you’re single. Indeed, singles who have meaningful friendships and pursuits are happier than people in mismatched romantic relationships. It’s also important to note that even a good marriage or romantic partnership doesn’t lead to a permanent, intense happiness boost. Expecting your partner to deliver your happily-ever-after may actually harm the relationship in the long-run. You — not your partner or your family members — are responsible for your own happiness.

Myth: Happiness declines with age.

Fact: Contrary to popular belief, people tend to get happier with age. Study after study confirms that seniors experience more positive emotions and fewer (and less intense) negative emotions than young people and middle-aged adults. Generally, older adults are also more satisfied with their lives, less sensitive to stress, and more emotionally stable. Even with the losses that come with age, it is the happiest time of life for many people.

Myth: Some people are just happier than others and there’s nothing you can do to change that.

Fact: Genetics do play a role in happiness. Current research suggests that people are born with a certain happiness “set point.” But that only accounts for about half of our happiness level. Another 10% is due to life circumstances. That leaves 40% that is determined by your actions and choices. That’s a lot of control!

According to a research , at least when it comes to long-term happiness. A prestigious award, a big raise, an exciting new relationship, a fancy new car, losing weight, these things can make us feel great at first, but the thrill doesn’t last very long. Human beings are quick to adapt to new circumstances — a quality that has helped us survive and thrive. But it also means that the positive things that initially make us happier soon become our new normal and we return to our old happiness baseline.

The other problem is that the pursuit of happiness is also often based on the idea that happiness means joyfulness and excitement. But humans aren’t designed to stay perpetually excited or joyful. “If one is focused on the pursuit of happiness, even if happiness is momentarily achieved, what is one to do when these feelings wax and wane? “This can become a trap because a person who sets a strong intention to strive for happiness may then feel disappointed and less happy when they run into the reality that joy and excitement cannot last indefinitely,” Dr. Barbera says. This notion of happiness becomes a constant chase and we’re always moving the target, says human behavior expert Patrick, PhD.

“We place our happiness somewhere off in the future and therefore we’re never able to enjoy where we are now because we’re always thinking we’re only going to be happy when we get to be, do, or have something.”

When happiness is seen as somewhere off in the future, it’s always out of your grasp. If you’re not able to be in the present moment, you’re actually avoiding experiencing what’s happening right now, which is not always going to be joy, happiness, or pleasure. It can be pain; it can be sadness; it can be loss. It can be disappointment. We end up repressing, denying, or distracting ourselves from these feelings so we can keep focusing on this elusive goal. It is an illusion that external events or circumstances like wealth or marriage will create happiness. “When we look outside ourselves for happiness, we no longer have agency over our own happiness and count on others to make us happy or we depend on things to fill us up.”

Consequence of Chasing Happiness

As the famous psychologist Victor Frankl said that our constant search for happiness is a problem:

“It is the very pursuit of happiness that thwarts happiness.”

If we’re not reaching those milestones that we think are tied to happiness, like success and wealth and marriage, we feel a sense of disappointment. We not only become disappointed, we become distant. Maybe you start to criticize yourself, maybe you start to feel guilty for not feeling happy that you’ve gotten this ‘thing’. People become disillusioned and then start experiencing inner emptiness. And the inner emptiness is the result of pursuing goals rather than actually doing things that are meaningful to you. The pleasure, the joy, the satisfaction has to come from doing what you’re doing, being what you’re being, having what you’re having, not just thinking it’s always tomorrow.

When people focus on the pursuit of happiness, aside from assuming that happiness is the natural desired state of humans, people also tend to then assume that if they are not happy, then they are defective in some way. These feelings of inadequacy can then lead to unhappiness, which further fuels perceptions of inadequacy. This becomes a cycle that can be difficult to break.

Unrealistic pursuits of happiness as a goal can also lead to a range of mental health issues. “In particular, pursuits of happiness that go unsatisfied can fuel a person’s inner critic, which can increase depression and anxiety. Feelings of disappointment can also increase feelings of inadequacy and low mood, which are precursors to depression,” Dr. Barbera says.

A recent study actually proved this by showing that the greater emphasis it’s participants put on happiness, the less happy they actually were: People putting the greatest emphasis on being happy reported 50 percent less frequent positive emotions, 35 percent less satisfaction about their life, and 75 percent more depressive symptoms.

Satisfaction is the Key

I believe Happiness comes when you feel satisfied and fulfilled. Happiness is a feeling of contentment, that life is just as it should be. Perfect happiness, enlightenment, comes when you have all of your needs satisfied .While the perfect happiness of enlightenment may be hard to achieve, and even harder to maintain, happiness is not an either /or case. There are nearly limitless degrees of happiness between the bliss of enlightenment and the despair of depression. Most of us fall somewhere between, closer to the middle than the edges.

In other words genuine happiness comes from having done the hard work of going inside ourselves with the curiosity and compassion that allows us to develop self-acceptance and genuine relationships with others. It’s also correlated to a number of things such as cultivating gratitude, embracing all feelings that arise with curiosity and compassion, developing the capacity to create a meaningful narrative of our life, and developing enough intimacy with ourselves that we are capable of engaging in relationships with others. And that’s truly good news, because it’s something anyone can do.

However, researchers in the field of positive psychology have found that you can genuinely increase your happiness and overall satisfaction with life — and it doesn’t require a winning lottery ticket or some other drastic change of circumstances. What it takes is an inner change of perspective and attitude. Getting to a place where happiness becomes a state of being rather than a future goal takes some practice. In short, happiness is a by-product of life done right.